C H E E R S to Megan Pischke’s last day of chemotherapy! Yesterday Megs celebrated with husband DCP after completing 6 months of chemo, and she shared her thoughts going into that final day with us:
My last chemo is today. Of course I am excited, but I am kind of just flowing with time at this point. I love summer. And have found that wishing time away isn’t that fun for me, so I am just rolling. I feel crazy, like not a great crazy. Like a massive body of toxins, or more like a swollen toxic creek, electrified with some downed power lines. I don’t feel myself at all, part of me just wonders, throughout the days, when this will all cease…mantra: “this is all temporary”. I do find times, and moments (mostly outside, at my river spots) where I can sit and focus on Megs, see my beauty and spirit from within, and certainly be reminded that I still exist within this crazy mess. When things get tough, and I start to scream at the shit, and fight the uncomfortableness, and start to feel an anxiety like “Oh my god, what have I done to myself…?!,”I have to STOP, and just PRAY. I am thankful that this kind of medicine, which I KNOW is part of my healing path, is even available to me. I BELIEVE my body has the ability to heal, even from the onslaught of massive amounts of chemicals that aren’t even fully understood yet.
I wonder what it will be like when I actually finish that day. That final day of chemo…will I jump in the air and scream HOORAYYYYY! Probably. Will I cry because I am so shocked that my body is still surviving through this mess of drugs, that I willingly succumbed to? Maybe…
Either way, it will be a chapter to close with pride and grace, to never again be reopened. That’s my intention anyway.
I wonder to myself if all this-chemo, radiation, diet, all integrated health treatments, lifestyle, love of myself and learning from everything in its big and small ways-will reset me. Back to square one biologically. If I am officially back in the “maybe” pool with the rest of the population. Or what if just knowing I will never have cancer in my body again can actually make the difference? Along with all the other things mentioned above, can we cure ourselves with our idea of being cured? These are questions I think about, because in my mind I just can’t bear the thought of being a statistic, a number. I don’t know why, and it would be too bad if people were thinking that I was thinking I am above anyone else, because I am not. I believe that every single one of us is magical, and especially important. And how funny of me to not want to think of myself as a statistic, as I made some choices based on statistics. I mean, that’s one of the reasons I chose chemo: clinical research and statistics. But, I believe I chose chemo because it felt right, above everything, it’s what felt right to me. Along with everything else, it all felt right. Even when I sit here now, and feel so unlike I have ever felt in my life, so detached from my body in many ways, it all feels right.
So now I head to my favorite river spot….happy summer!
We’re sending good vibes your way, Megs!